hazyANDcrazy on Xanga

In case you were wondering..

Binged then burnt 1000 calories at the gym

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life, I shall starve away.

never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good

I'm not as thin as I have been before, yet for some reason Nick is more worried than ever before. I am at about 110 pounds. I have been 97, and he was worried, but not this worried. I think he is finally starting to see how bad it is in my head. I want to hide all of it from him, but I love him too much to do that. I'm too comfortable around him to hide it. I feel so gross. My body causes me uneasiness of epic proportions. the black hole inside me is growing and sucking up every bit of strength I have. Yet the sickness in my mind keeps telling me "you're nowhere near done yet" and I keep listening. I'm not ready to stop. I can't stop, I'm not sick enough yet. I feel ashamed for thinking this way. I feel stuck. I'm awkwardly between healthy weight and unhealthy weight. Im awkwardly between normal and anorexic. And I refuse to accept it, all I want is to be the best anorexic I can be. Its twisted, and selfish.

4:05 am

And I havent slept a wink. Have to leave for the Mexico trip in less than an hour. Obviously no use in sleeping. started and finished skins season one. All I took in was a blended mocha. Tomorrow I'll have the fit slam from dennys, ill lie and say I ate one of the tamales they make us. If I must, ill do two tacos for dinner. Itll all get burned off during the day. I miss Nick. It's only been like twelve hours but I feel anxiety from being away. I feel scared and vulnerable without him... Hes my,safety net. he keeps my menyal ilkness from spiraling completely out of control... He says he,can do it forever, however idk. as much as I really fucking want him forever, one can only live with insanity for so long before tirung i

Don't eat Gabby dont eat Gabby dont eat Gabby. You're too fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. let the hunger pass. Just please please let the hunger pass. Don't you dare fucking eat, Gabby. Only coffee, water, tea.

Ive found myself on my knees with my hand down my throat. He just stormed out a minute ago. I hear him pull out and speed off. I told him all I wanted was water, they didn't draw THAT much blood. but he made me eat that peanut butter and jelly, then had the nerve to show that he doesn't want me at his band practice AGAIN. Everybody fuckin else is welcome, but not me. So I purge. I weighed in at 118 at the dr. their scale is a bit wrong, ive known for awhile, but the thought of it is daunting. Anything near 118 is unacceptable. Im fat, I have to fast. I don't know how I let myself get this out of hand, I've gained too much. but after my reality check, im back. Im back, and I will lose weight, I will change everything about me, tonight.